BurningHills wrote:

My self-esteem is pretty low - it's been A LOT worse though.

I mean, I really have no reason for it to be. I have a great, loving girlfriend, a pretty cool job, and run a successful Black Crowes board - great family and friends, etc..

All I can think of is that it goes back to my childhood.

I was always on the heavy side growing up. I literally CRINGE at how huge I was as a kid. Hell, in 8th grade, I had a size 40 waist! I was CONSTANTLY picked on up until high school, when I started losing some weight. But even then, I had a reputation as being unpopular, a teacher's pet, etc. So as you can imagine, I didn't get any dates. I didn't even have my first date until my junior year of high school (With a psycho that one of my female friends from another school hooked me up with), and didn't have my first kiss until my senior year (The girl who I'm with now.) Hell, the girl I'm with has been my ONLY girlfriend. Ever. (Not a bad thing at all, mind you.)

All of that shit majorly fucked with my head growing up, and I was ridiculously depressed at least twice in middle/high school.

I still hate the way I look, I always will, and I still see myself as too fat. (I'm a 34 waist now.) I ideally want to drop another 10 - 15, even 20 pounds, and I have no motivation to do it - because it a) probably wouldn't work anyway and b) if it did, it probably wouldn't stay off, and I'd feel like shit for gaining it back.

I feel your pain as I too was an extremely overweight kid and teenager.   In elementary school I was always the last picked for gym teams when they would make the kids choose people.   I also was always told, you have such a pretty face if you would only loose some weight.   It definitely affects me to this day and I certianly have self esteem issues with that and because of this, I have done some pretty stupid things.

I have gone through roller coasters of crazy dieting and really bad addicitions to working out so much so I injured my pelvis of all things really bad and couldn't do any pounding cardio for 2 months which was torture for me.    I am now becoming more at ease with myself as of late but it's never enough and my clown mirror always exists.  Since my dad died, I have put on a few pounds and I beat myslef up for it but not as bad this time, I just get back in the saddle and lose the pounds i've gained and move on.

But on the flip side you have a good life and sounds like you are like me, you don't let it consume you but it's always, always there.