Ask Chris #159: The Superman/Batman Movie Will Continue Until Morale Improves

http://comicsalliance.com/ask-chris-sup … gnet_82179

We open in Gotham City, a year after the events of The Dark Knight Rises, where John Blake (or to use his Government name, Robin Blake) (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) has just finished rebuilding the Batcave. He has yet to make his debut as Batman, but he knows that when he does, it has to be big. He can’t just go out and beat up carjackers in Gotham City, because the statement is too small — if he’s going to truly prove that the Batman is bigger than one man, that he’s an inspirational figure, he needs a bigger stage. He needs to take on a criminal that no one man can touch.

He needs to bring down Superman.

See, while Gotham City is doing okay now that all (well, most) of the secrets of Nolan’s trilogy have been brought to light and they haven’t built a fragile peace on lies and oppression, Metropolis is the exact opposite. Everyone who lives there is terrified. They just saw half of their city leveled by two aliens in a battle that ended with one of them snapping the other’s neck. They’ve seen that this strange visitor who spent his entire childhood being ostracized believes in a brand of justice with lethal ends — they see him not as a protector, but as an invulnerable, unstoppable judge, jury and executioner.

For his part, Superman (Henry Cavill) is extremely frustrated by all this. Even though his father taught him to just stand around watching people die, he’s trying to live up to his Space Dad’s instruction to save everyone. He’s doing his best, but they’ve seen him snap a man’s neck on live television, and that’s not exactly the sort of thing you can unsee. Everyone’s always walking on eggshells, apologizing for falling off buildings when he rescues them because they’re terrified that he’ll drop them in a volcano to teach them a lesson about window-washing safety or something.

Despite his best efforts to be a friend, more and more Metropolitans are viewing him as an omnipresent tyrannical overlord who holds the city in the icy grip of fear. That’s how Blake sees him, and remembering how Bruce Wayne broke the criminal element’s similar stranglehold on Gotham City, sees him as the perfect opponent. No man can take down a Superman, but Batman is more than a man. He can go past the physical limits and beat the ultimate opponent.

So Blake suits up and heads out to Metropolis, and this is where you get that big Batman/Superman fight that everyone wants to see. But RUSSO SWERVE! Blake gets the living hell kicked out of him because Man of Steel didn’t bother to introduce Kryptonite, so he has no ace in the hole. Batman might not have any limits, but Superman can crush cars with one hand and shoot lasers out of his eyes, so Blake’s outmatched from jump street. It’s not even a question, it’s just Superman throwing him through walls while Blake refuses to stay down — he believes that you only fall so that you can rise, after all.

Through it all, Blake tells him that he can’t allow a “Superman” to lord his powers over humanity, and finally, Superman gets frustrated enough to snap, although this time it’s not a neck that he’s snapping. He goes into a rage and yells that for the last friggin’ time, the symbol on his chest isn’t an S, and it doesn’t stand for Superman, but if Blake thinks he’s “lording over” people, then fine. He won’t be Superman. He’ll be Overman.

At this point, the audience realizes that Cavill was never really Superman at all, which is why Man of Steel didn’t have the word “Superman” in the title. It was all part of a long con to reveal that Cavill was actually playing Overman all along — by the way, I didn’t mention this before, but in this imaginary world where I get to make a movie, everyone who goes to see movies has read Grant Morrison and Chas Truog’s Animal Man. Overman beats up Blake some more and replaces his tattered cape with a flag, but just as he’s getting ready to snap Blake’s neck and be done with it, there’s a huge BOOM!

That’s right, y’all: A dang BOOM TUBE opens up, and who comes out? Every Superman and Batman we’ve seen in mass media for the past thirty years. Brandon Routh! Tom Welling! Dean Cain! George Clooney! Val Kilmer! Gerard Christopher! Michael Keaton! Kevin Conroy, Diedrich Bader, George Newburn and Tim Daly are in there in animated form, Space Jam style! They’ve all shown up to battle Overman — the one Superman who’s both immune to Kryptonite and straight up wants to snap necks.

There’s a huge fight that goes for like half an hour with Cavill’s Overman taking on all the Supermen and Batmen — except Routh, who just kind of hovers off in a corner watching creepily and occasionally striking a Jesus pose — and even though he’s overwhelmed, he’s winning. The Supermen are focused on making sure Overman doesn’t smash through populated buildings while the Batmen try to formulate a plan to take him down, but he’s even stronger than they thought. He’s trouncing them left and right.

Finally, Welling, Routh and Cain triple-punch Cavill so hard that he crash-lands all the way in Gotham City — right in the middle of Crime Alley. Overman gets to his feet, ready to tear them limb from limb, but he’s fallen into their trap. Because standing there, plugged into the lamppost, is Adam F**king West, in the Dark Knight Returns armor, jacked into the power grid and ready to punch Overman with the force of an entire city.

West’s punch knocks Overman crosseyed and he goes down like a ton of bricks. He struggles to get up, but before he can, West leans over, says “Sorry, old chum” and gasses him with Anti-Kryptonian Bat-Spray. Superman is down for the count, leaving the rest of the Worlds’ Finest to use that world’s Kryptonian technology to encase Superman in one of those giant translucent dongs and send him rocketing to the Phantom Zone, where he can never hurt anyone again.

The Worlds’ Finest return to Metropolis where they help the injured Blake back to his feet, returning him to Gotham City. From there, they re-open the Boom Tube so they can head back to their respective worlds. Before they’re all gone, though, Welling turns to Keaton and asks “Hey, where were the Primes?” Keaton replies “Oh, the Earth-1s? You know how those two are. They’re always busy saving their own world from the forces evil.”

And that’s how you set up the real Superman/Batman movie for next summer. It’s a Lex Luthor/Ra’s al-Ghul team-up.

As the days tick down to the Oct. 15 release date of Pearl Jam’s tenth studio album ‘Lightning Bolt,’ the band has revealed the disc’s full 12-song track listing.

The disc, of course, includes the first single ‘Mind Your Manners’ in addition to a few of the new tracks that Pearl Jam debuted live at their Wrigley Field show in Chicago back in July – the title track ‘Lightning Bolt’ and ‘Future Days.’

Another familiar song title is ‘Sleeping By Myself.’ The track originally appeared on Eddie Vedder’s 2011 solo disc ‘Ukulele Songs.’

One very important element of the forthcoming disc has been the artwork. Pearl Jam recruited artist Don Pendleton, who has been instrumental in bringing the album and the artwork for each song to life. Bassist Jeff Ament recently commented on Pendleton’s work, sharing:

One of the best thing about being in a band is collaborating with each other…sometimes we go outside the circle and work/play with other artists. Don Pendleton has been one of my favorite visual artists over the past few years and we’re honored to work with him on ‘Lightning Bolt.’ He killed it. Thanks.

In other Pearl Jam news, the band will kick off their fall 2013 North American tour on Oct. 11 in Pittsburgh, Pa. with dates spanning through Dec. 6 in Seattle, Wash. Check out all the dates below:
http://loudwire.com/pearl-jam-unveil-tr … ning-bolt/

‘Lightning Bolt’ Track Listing:

‘Getaway’
‘Mind Your Manners’
‘My Father’s Son’
‘Sirens’
‘Lightning Bolt’
‘Infallible’
‘Pendulum’’
‘Swallowed Whole’
‘Let The Records Play’
‘Sleeping By Myself’
‘Yellow Moon’
‘Future Days’