Heroin

James

BLS-Pride wrote:

I personally believe it stems from pills. Once your pill habits become to expensive and you need something cheaper and quicker too many turn to dope and that's the hardest street to get off.

Bingo. I just cant go there though(yet). I KNOW I'm dead if I do. It's a miracle that I'm even alive with how many untold thousands of pills I've swallowed since 2002. I understand the addict's desire to use it though. Like you said, it's cheaper. I have a needle phobia and I think that has played a big role in my reluctance to use it. Yeah you can smoke it but that high lasts what?....8 seconds. Fuck that. In Russia, heroin addicts are using something called crocodile where they fuck around with codeine pills, add gasoline and other crap and inject that. It rots their bodies yet they wont stop using even though they know its killing them and turning them into monsters. That right there shows you the power of addiction.

I smoked opium on joints when I was 14-15 and was too young to even realize the risks of doing that. I was mainly into meth in my teens/early 20s. That drug causes you to do things that you'd never tell a soul that wasn't there. It also makes you think of really crazy shit. Cleaned up when moving to MO in 92 but started smoking weed and drinking again. Was offered meth there but declined. When my dad died in 1995 it was the perfect excuse for me to jump into the rabbit hole. Quit college and moved back to Cali. I had sixty five thousand dollars to blow on a new car, drugs, and girls. Got the money in May, was broke by November. Moved back to Mo.

In 97, another policy that was being contested finally came through. Gave most of that to my mom but we moved back to Cali and I basically repeated 95 on a smaller scale. In the summer of 98 I did a lot of crazy shit that only addicts are capable of.

When you're an addict you don't have friends, you have fellow junkies. As soon as you stop using, you realize how alone you really are.

The first time I took pain pills it was like touching the face of God. Nothing can make you feel like that and I considered that feeling better than an orgasm. A non user thinks of pills as a high similar to heroin. Its not. Yes it is synthetic heroin and while taking a certain amount can cause the nodding out that heroin does, the pills are actually an upper if used properly. The scary thing is how you spend a huge chunk of your life trying to replicate that first high that will forever elude you. Sure, it feels great but never like that first one.

The mixing of pills is where it gets really dangerous. I used to take "Las Vegas cocktails" which is a mixture of hydrocodone/oxycodone and Soma. VERY dangerous. You've got one foot in the grave the moment you take it. The other foot sits on a banana peel and it basically all comes to chance at that point. Soma is an incredibly dangerous drug and should be banned here. You can take 2 or 3 of those one day and it does NOTHING and then take the same amount the next day and it knocks you on your ass. I've had to be carried to my room 15-20 minutes after taking them before. Go from talking and laughing one minute to two or three people needing to drag me to my room the next.

Years ago the drug companies thought they had a brilliant idea when they invented those time release oxy OP pills. The good stuff was mixed with something and had a plastic coating. Addicts had to figure out how to "break the matrix". It was easy. Use an alcohol wipe that can be bought in any store, wipe the plastic shit off the pill, smash it up or break it into little pieces, get a can of soda, put the pill in a cup of soda, let it sit for an hour.....voila!...instant oxy high.

Another danger for pill users is an accidental overdose on Tylenol. Addicts figured out a way around this. Its called cold water extraction. You turn the pills into powder, place it in a small cup of water, put it in the freezer for 15-20 minutes, take it out, get an empty cup and place a coffee filter in it, pour the cold water through that, and voila!....the water has the drug and you toss the chalky substance that has nothing but Tylenol in it.

The moral to that story....absolutely NOTHING can stop an addict from using any drug. Only the addict can stop themselves and sometimes even that is impossible. Those of us who start using in their early teen years are in a bind because the drug completely takes over your life. You must look back to your childhood to see yourself as a non drug user. You cant imagine being a clean adult because it doesn't compute and is in fact a very scary proposition.

The worst part about being addicted to drugs(other than a fatal overdose) is how it literally robs you of everything. It steals the universe's most valuable commodity.....time. I've always had some difficulty believing in a god and a devil but I can easily see Satan's handiwork in play when you are using. You're chasing unattainable things, going in circles, and time just gets away from you. You're young, full of life, yada yada yada then wake up and 20 years have passed. The addict's reaction to a moment of clarity is to use more, thus continuing the cycle.

You long time members probably remember my absence from the net for about 3 years or so. I popped in from time to time but was gone. No I didn't sign up as a different name or just post on non GNR sites. I was GONE period. I had to quit for awhile. Drug addicts have certain "triggers" in their addiction. Can be many things but logging in to these forums was a big one for me. Years ago I used to take 4 or 5 "blues", turn on some music, and log into Evo. I have looked through my posting history and I see long posts that I do not remember posting at all. Crazy.

Not going to pretend that I am 100% clean. I'm not. I do have the addiction under control but also realize that it can be fleeting. Doesn't take much to get back on the train that is headed for its inevitable wreck. Instead of trying to get high I just have a maintenance dose to stop me from withdrawals. I have experienced pain pill withdrawals and it is the most horrific thing imaginable and when you're balls deep into the addiction, the withdrawals show no signs of stopping. Back in 2009 or so I tried quitting cold turkey. I was a mess. By day 2 or 3 I was literally having to crawl to the bathroom and back to the bedroom. I expected Rod Serling to come out from behind the curtain and tell me there's a road sign up ahead..... Only reason I took some pills is I couldn't even consider leaving the house in that condition.

There are people here old enough to have teenagers or young adults as children. Don't buy into all the crap the media and weed smokers are spewing about how great pot is. Its great alright but it IS a gateway drug. They're now trying to pretend its not but it is. Its such a safe high and as a teen you realize "well this is great and nothing bad happened to me. Next time I see Johnny/Julie I think I'll go ahead and snort a line of meth/coke or take a few pain pills." You're playing with fire and if anyone allows their kids to use that because its now trendy to do so, get ready to watch your kid walk through the gates of hell. My dad's extremely liberal stance on my drug use at 14 is unforgivable. If I ever have children I will literally knock the shit out of them if I ever find out they're using any drugs. Its just not worth it in the long run. Doesn't matter if you're a functioning drug addict. You're destroying your own life slowly.

I don't know you or your brother personally obviously but I feel for him. I also feel for you as you had to witness the downward spiral and could do nothing but be a bystander to the madness. That could have easily been me thousands of times and that could still be my fate. He was just trying to escape something like most addicts do. I can relate. As soon as you take that hit, you're young again, the universe is there for the taking, nothing can stop you........then you come down. You realize what you're doing to yourself but here comes another dose. Repeat until its too late. My life took the express elevator to hell in 1989 and I started using drugs, beginning with weed like most people do. While I have had breaks since then it just consumes your soul. Like a lot of addicts, if I could go back I never would have used. No matter what age you are when you start using drugs, the nanosecond before you use, the universe has just presented you with the most critical fork in the road you'll ever see. The future addict always takes the wrong road and there's no way to reverse it. I wish the younger version of myself understood the true implications of my decision.

jimmythegent

Very sorry for your loss Flashflood

Wow James - amazing post. One of the most insightful and truthful accounts of addictions Ive ever heard man

Smoking Guns

James, that was amazing. I remember when you vanished. I am glad you are back my friend.

FlashFlood

James wrote:

BLS-Pride wrote:
I personally believe it stems from pills. Once your pill habits become to expensive and you need something cheaper and quicker too many turn to dope and that's the hardest street to get off.
Bingo. I just cant go there though(yet). I KNOW I'm dead if I do. It's a miracle that I'm even alive with how many untold thousands of pills I've swallowed since 2002. I understand the addict's desire to use it though. Like you said, it's cheaper. I have a needle phobia and I think that has played a big role in my reluctance to use it. Yeah you can smoke it but that high lasts what?....8 seconds. Fuck that. In Russia, heroin addicts are using something called crocodile where they fuck around with codeine pills, add gasoline and other crap and inject that. It rots their bodies yet they wont stop using even though they know its killing them and turning them into monsters. That right there shows you the power of addiction.
I smoked opium on joints when I was 14-15 and was too young to even realize the risks of doing that. I was mainly into meth in my teens/early 20s. That drug causes you to do things that you'd never tell a soul that wasn't there. It also makes you think of really crazy shit. Cleaned up when moving to MO in 92 but started smoking weed and drinking again. Was offered meth there but declined. When my dad died in 1995 it was the perfect excuse for me to jump into the rabbit hole. Quit college and moved back to Cali. I had sixty five thousand dollars to blow on a new car, drugs, and girls. Got the money in May, was broke by November. Moved back to Mo.
In 97, another policy that was being contested finally came through. Gave most of that to my mom but we moved back to Cali and I basically repeated 95 on a smaller scale. In the summer of 98 I did a lot of crazy shit that only addicts are capable of.
When you're an addict you don't have friends, you have fellow junkies. As soon as you stop using, you realize how alone you really are.
The first time I took pain pills it was like touching the face of God. Nothing can make you feel like that and I considered that feeling better than an orgasm. A non user thinks of pills as a high similar to heroin. Its not. Yes it is synthetic heroin and while taking a certain amount can cause the nodding out that heroin does, the pills are actually an upper if used properly. The scary thing is how you spend a huge chunk of your life trying to replicate that first high that will forever elude you. Sure, it feels great but never like that first one.
The mixing of pills is where it gets really dangerous. I used to take "Las Vegas cocktails" which is a mixture of hydrocodone/oxycodone and Soma. VERY dangerous. You've got one foot in the grave the moment you take it. The other foot sits on a banana peel and it basically all comes to chance at that point. Soma is an incredibly dangerous drug and should be banned here. You can take 2 or 3 of those one day and it does NOTHING and then take the same amount the next day and it knocks you on your ass. I've had to be carried to my room 15-20 minutes after taking them before. Go from talking and laughing one minute to two or three people needing to drag me to my room the next.
Years ago the drug companies thought they had a brilliant idea when they invented those time release oxy OP pills. The good stuff was mixed with something and had a plastic coating. Addicts had to figure out how to "break the matrix". It was easy. Use an alcohol wipe that can be bought in any store, wipe the plastic shit off the pill, smash it up or break it into little pieces, get a can of soda, put the pill in a cup of soda, let it sit for an hour.....voila!...instant oxy high.
Another danger for pill users is an accidental overdose on Tylenol. Addicts figured out a way around this. Its called cold water extraction. You turn the pills into powder, place it in a small cup of water, put it in the freezer for 15-20 minutes, take it out, get an empty cup and place a coffee filter in it, pour the cold water through that, and voila!....the water has the drug and you toss the chalky substance that has nothing but Tylenol in it.
The moral to that story....absolutely NOTHING can stop an addict from using any drug. Only the addict can stop themselves and sometimes even that is impossible. Those of us who start using in their early teen years are in a bind because the drug completely takes over your life. You must look back to your childhood to see yourself as a non drug user. You cant imagine being a clean adult because it doesn't compute and is in fact a very scary proposition.
The worst part about being addicted to drugs(other than a fatal overdose) is how it literally robs you of everything. It steals the universe's most valuable commodity.....time. I've always had some difficulty believing in a god and a devil but I can easily see Satan's handiwork in play when you are using. You're chasing unattainable things, going in circles, and time just gets away from you. You're young, full of life, yada yada yada then wake up and 20 years have passed. The addict's reaction to a moment of clarity is to use more, thus continuing the cycle.

You long time members probably remember my absence from the net for about 3 years or so. I popped in from time to time but was gone. No I didn't sign up as a different name or just post on non GNR sites. I was GONE period. I had to quit for awhile. Drug addicts have certain "triggers" in their addiction. Can be many things but logging in to these forums was a big one for me. Years ago I used to take 4 or 5 "blues", turn on some music, and log into Evo. I have looked through my posting history and I see long posts that I do not remember posting at all. Crazy.
Not going to pretend that I am 100% clean. I'm not. I do have the addiction under control but also realize that it can be fleeting. Doesn't take much to get back on the train that is headed for its inevitable wreck. Instead of trying to get high I just have a maintenance dose to stop me from withdrawals. I have experienced pain pill withdrawals and it is the most horrific thing imaginable and when you're balls deep into the addiction, the withdrawals show no signs of stopping. Back in 2009 or so I tried quitting cold turkey. I was a mess. By day 2 or 3 I was literally having to crawl to the bathroom and back to the bedroom. I expected Rod Serling to come out from behind the curtain and tell me there's a road sign up ahead..... Only reason I took some pills is I couldn't even consider leaving the house in that condition.

There are people here old enough to have teenagers or young adults as children. Don't buy into all the crap the media and weed smokers are spewing about how great pot is. Its great alright but it IS a gateway drug. They're now trying to pretend its not but it is. Its such a safe high and as a teen you realize "well this is great and nothing bad happened to me. Next time I see Johnny/Julie I think I'll go ahead and snort a line of meth/coke or take a few pain pills." You're playing with fire and if anyone allows their kids to use that because its now trendy to do so, get ready to watch your kid walk through the gates of hell. My dad's extremely liberal stance on my drug use at 14 is unforgivable. If I ever have children I will literally knock the shit out of them if I ever find out they're using any drugs. Its just not worth it in the long run. Doesn't matter if you're a functioning drug addict. You're destroying your own life slowly.
I don't know you or your brother personally obviously but I feel for him. I also feel for you as you had to witness the downward spiral and could do nothing but be a bystander to the madness. That could have easily been me thousands of times and that could still be my fate. He was just trying to escape something like most addicts do. I can relate. As soon as you take that hit, you're young again, the universe is there for the taking, nothing can stop you........then you come down. You realize what you're doing to yourself but here comes another dose. Repeat until its too late. My life took the express elevator to hell in 1989 and I started using drugs, beginning with weed like most people do. While I have had breaks since then it just consumes your soul. Like a lot of addicts, if I could go back I never would have used. No matter what age you are when you start using drugs, the nanosecond before you use, the universe has just presented you with the most critical fork in the road you'll ever see. The future addict always takes the wrong road and there's no way to reverse it. I wish the younger version of myself understood the true implications of my decision.

Was thinking of my post from years ago and never thanked you all. So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Wanted to quote James’ post for posterity.

PaSnow

Not a problem man, I'm sure it doesn't get easier, just further past in time. Hope you're doing good.

Re: Heroin

Re: Heroin

Re: Heroin

Re: Heroin

Re: Heroin

Board footer